Nothing like being criticized by your mother. The one person that can break you down to nothing. Pointing out everything you’ve done wrong. Never of course what you have done right. But what would that be?! What have I done right? Is there anything? 

I feel like complete shit, holding back tears because not only is she right, I know she’s right. I’ve know she’s right for a long time. Why don’t I have more saved? Why can’t we buy a house? Why can’t I teach my kids to follow the catholic religion? (Well, maybe not that one.) 

I sit here looking at my 3 youngest playing and I don’t know what their future holds. What’s going to happen when they get older? Are we going to continue to live here, with my parents? Stuffed in a small space? I know soo many people who are living the way we are but I guess, I know that if I went back to work, if I busted my ass selling insurance then this doesn’t have to be us?? I don’t know if others have options but I guess I do. ?? This is what my mother is telling me. I’m wasting my opportunity to go back to work. For Louis to work a second job again and to do everything possible to save and buy a house. But at what cost? To have someone else raise my 3 youngest and for my two oldest to be watched by my parents? I don’t know. (How stupid am I!?)

I am 34 years old, married and with FIVE kids and I still can’t seem to get my shit together. 

What do I expect for my kids? What am I showing/teaching them? And I want to homeschool. Hahaha pretty laughable right!? 

What a fucking joke to think I can homeschool. That I can work from home or that I can actually monetize my blog. What bullshit to think we could RV full time. I could never even bring myself to tell her any of this because she would never support or understand it. 

WAKE UP! You are not 5 years old and this isn’t a Disney movie! 

Advertisements