Today has been a bit of a hard day. Emotionally I mean. I feel like everyday I’m falling into somewhat of a depression. Better yet I should say everyday I feel like my depression is getting worse because I’ve actually suffered from depression since I was a child, about 10 years old.
I’m 34 years old now and over the years I’ve had moments when it’s worse than others. I for this first time had bad depression most of this pregnancy, which was a first time going through it while pregnant. My other 4 pregnancies I was ‘normal’ and didn’t feel the sadness and anxiety I felt this time around practically from the moment I peed on the stick until about 4ish weeks before I had the baby. I felt so lonely, sad, useless, and worthless. Feelings I’ve experienced so many other times in my life. Feelings that debilate me and handicap me from doing anything else. I don’t know what happened, normally pregnancy has been such a joy. The excitement of knowing a new baby is growing inside me. Yea I suffer the aliments of the pregnancy and discomforts but they never had stopped me from feeling anything less than Happiness. This time around I felt guilty that I was feeling this way and didn’t really tell anyone anything. I felt guilty that I didn’t feel ‘happy or excited’ I was having a baby. I felt guilty that maybe it meant I didn’t want the baby and that maybe I wished I wasn’t pregnant but I know truly deep down that was not the case. I wanted to feel excited about the baby but I couldn’t. I did know that I loved the baby. I knew that I would be beyond excited at some point. I knew that once the baby was born I would love him beyond words. However, I felt guilty that most of the pregnancy I didn’t automatically feel that way already.
Once I hit 35ish weeks, I realized that I had already began to feel some excitement. I had begun feeling happiness and joy that soon I would have my little baby boy in my arms. I didn’t feel like shit anymore, well at least not emotionally only physically. Now that I’ve given birth I was immendiatley in love. I felt such happiness looking into my little love bugs eyes. For the first 2 1/2 weeks I continued to only feel that way. How could I not if he’s so freaken cute!
The last week & a half however I’ve realized I’m slowly declining into self loathing and sadness. Is it postpartum? Lack of sleep? The realization that financially we’re screwed? That I may have to return to work before my 6 months (unpaid) maternity leave is up? That my dream of staying home, homeschooling my kids and even one day living on the road as an RVing family is never going to effin happen!? That we will be forever living in my parents home because we can’t afford to living anywhere else? That I can’t seem to get my shit together!? That I can’t realize that I have a Life License and the ability to sell life insurance policies and make money while building a business, making my own schedule, and having some financial freedom in the future!?
What the fuck is wrong with me!? Why can’t I act? I know what I can do to change our future but for some reason I don’t! I don’t go out there and make some money so I don’t have to go back to work. Instead I sit here, thinking all this and feel instead like crying because I’m useless.
Complete and totally useless.
Did I mention that my two littles broke the TV screen!? The exact same thing they did to my Mac book, which was only 5 months old at the time and will cost me $700 approx to fix through Apple. Of course, I don’t go out and make money so I could fix and replace them, no instead I sit here thinking how else can I get that money without having to go back to selling life insurance because I absolutely sucked at it.